YOU DREAD SAYING YES BUT FEEL POWERLESS SAYING NO?

The two most powerful words in the English language are yes and no. Unfortunately, they’re also the hardest to master.

Like you, I have more opportunities and requests than time and energy. I’m better than ever at discerning the good from the bad, but I still sometimes agree to a project or meeting, instantly realize the mistake, and wish I had a rewind button for my life.

The only way to keep life from sucking us dry is to change our approach to making decisions.

Lysa TerKeurst in her book The Best Yes, suggests several ideas for sorting the good from the bad and better wielding our yeses and nos. I find these five particularly helpful:

1- Conduct an hours assessment. We only have 168 hours a week, but one reason we misuse yes and no is that we think we have more time than we actually do. 

Lysa recommends listing the main things we do every week and estimate the time they take. It’s pretty easy to see that we actually have far less time than we think.

Lysa recommends we take the margin we’ve identified and schedule it for the things we really want to accomplish and say no to most anything else.

2- Chase down the decision. Our decisions give our life’s direction. Every agreement comes with a trajectory. Lysa suggests pausing before we choose and “chase down” the decision. Where will your decision lead? “And then what? And then? Keep going until you walk it all the way out.”

If the destination is one we’ll regret, the only answer is no. Further, if we’re unclear on the direction we’re choosing, we should probably say no, too. There are consequences for almost everything we choose. It pays to know what they are.

3- Consider the trade. For every explicit agreement we make, there are always dozens of implicit agreements that go along with them. Choices are, as Lysa says, “package deals.”

To make good decisions, whether yes or no, requires we work on making those implicit agreements clear so we can evaluate them. What else is really in this package?

4- Examine your motive for choosing. It’s far too easy to say yes or no for reasons that have little to do with the merits of the choice. Sometimes we’re just afraid of upsetting someone. We want to please, to cajole, or to impress. But as Lysa says, “Those who constantly try to impress others will quickly depress themselves.”

We have to have enough integrity to refuse games like that. We have to look at the real pluses and minuses based on what our existing commitments and goals and then answer on the merits of the actual choice.

5- Recognize there’s no such thing as a perfect decision. Sometimes we fear making the wrong call. So we hold off instead of just saying yes or no. That’s especially true for saying no because we harbor a fear of missing out.

Life’s too short, and stalling is too stressful to do that. Lysa says we have to make the call and trust that God will work things out for our good, as Romans 8:28 says. It’s a liberating message.

If we’re going to get what we want from life, we have to master these two potent words, yes and no. “Every day we make choices,” Lysa says. “Then our choices make us.”

No pressure, right?

Of course we all feel that pressure on the front end and learn to make better decisions. Or, we inevitably feel it on the back end when we’re suffering from dumb decisions we’ve made. I’ll take the first of those two options every time.

These five points I’ve covered here only scratch the surface. Though the target market for The Best Yes is primarily women, we would all benefit from Lysa TerKeurst’s practical wisdom about making decisions.

How often do you struggle with using yes and no? 

THREE FORCES THAT SHAPE CHARACTER

Charisma may be useful in attracting a following, but it is largely useless when it comes to achieving a long-term, positive impact on the people and organizations we lead. For this, we need character. Effective leadership is an inside-out job.

In helping people build their platforms, I often meet individuals whose public image is better developed than their personal character. People are one person on stage and another when the spotlight is off. It is this fundamental lack of integrity that undermines their effectiveness and, left unchecked, can destroy their legacy.

This is why it is so important to give attention to developing our character. Yes, talent is important. So is education and experience. But in the end, it is our character that makes or breaks us. In my lifetime, character has been shaped by three forces. If we want to develop our character, we need to give attention to each of them.

1. The Input We Consume. Computer geeks are fond of saying, “garbage in, garbage out.”  The same is true with our inner life. One of the best ways to grow is by reading books, listening to podcasts and other audio programs, and attending conferences. But the opposite is also true. Watching endless hours of television, viewing pornography, or mindlessly ingesting the worst of popular culture, erodes character.

This is why we must be attentive to the input we consume. It affects us in deep and profound ways. It is the raw material out of which our character is formed.

2. The Relationships We Pursue. Jim Rohn taught that “you are the average of the five people yo u spend the most time with.” If this is true - and I believe it is - we have to be more intentional about the people we choose to associate with.

o If you want to lose weight, hang out with people who make good diet and exercise choices. 

o If you want a better marriage, socialize with people who have healthy ones.

o If you want to make more money, associate with people who are successful.

Conversely, dissociate from people who reinforce your worst traits. Even the Bible warns, “Bad company corrupts good character” (see 1 Corinthians 15:33). None of us can afford relationships that pull us down.

3. The Habits We Acquire. These are simply the consistent ways we think, speak, and act in different situations. They are largely unconscious, which is what gives them their power - both positively and negatively. Good habits lead to good outcomes:

o If we develop the habit of praising our spouse in public, for example, it contributes to a healthy marriage. 

o If we develop the habit of positive thinking, it can help us cope with adversity.

o If we make healthy food choices, it can increase our energy, improve our productivity, and extend our lives.

But bad habits can have the opposite impact, too. If you make a habit of complaining about your boss, it can come back to bite you. That’s why we have to be intentional about building good habits and breaking ourselves of bad ones.

Nothing is more important to our effectiveness as leaders than the cultivation of our own character. Why? Because ultimately we will replicate who we are - for good or for bad.

Which of these three forces do you need to give attention to at this stage in your development as a leader? Tell us your experience!