YOU DREAD SAYING YES BUT FEEL POWERLESS SAYING NO?

The two most powerful words in the English language are yes and no. Unfortunately, they’re also the hardest to master.

Like you, I have more opportunities and requests than time and energy. I’m better than ever at discerning the good from the bad, but I still sometimes agree to a project or meeting, instantly realize the mistake, and wish I had a rewind button for my life.

The only way to keep life from sucking us dry is to change our approach to making decisions.

Lysa TerKeurst in her book The Best Yes, suggests several ideas for sorting the good from the bad and better wielding our yeses and nos. I find these five particularly helpful:

1- Conduct an hours assessment. We only have 168 hours a week, but one reason we misuse yes and no is that we think we have more time than we actually do. 

Lysa recommends listing the main things we do every week and estimate the time they take. It’s pretty easy to see that we actually have far less time than we think.

Lysa recommends we take the margin we’ve identified and schedule it for the things we really want to accomplish and say no to most anything else.

2- Chase down the decision. Our decisions give our life’s direction. Every agreement comes with a trajectory. Lysa suggests pausing before we choose and “chase down” the decision. Where will your decision lead? “And then what? And then? Keep going until you walk it all the way out.”

If the destination is one we’ll regret, the only answer is no. Further, if we’re unclear on the direction we’re choosing, we should probably say no, too. There are consequences for almost everything we choose. It pays to know what they are.

3- Consider the trade. For every explicit agreement we make, there are always dozens of implicit agreements that go along with them. Choices are, as Lysa says, “package deals.”

To make good decisions, whether yes or no, requires we work on making those implicit agreements clear so we can evaluate them. What else is really in this package?

4- Examine your motive for choosing. It’s far too easy to say yes or no for reasons that have little to do with the merits of the choice. Sometimes we’re just afraid of upsetting someone. We want to please, to cajole, or to impress. But as Lysa says, “Those who constantly try to impress others will quickly depress themselves.”

We have to have enough integrity to refuse games like that. We have to look at the real pluses and minuses based on what our existing commitments and goals and then answer on the merits of the actual choice.

5- Recognize there’s no such thing as a perfect decision. Sometimes we fear making the wrong call. So we hold off instead of just saying yes or no. That’s especially true for saying no because we harbor a fear of missing out.

Life’s too short, and stalling is too stressful to do that. Lysa says we have to make the call and trust that God will work things out for our good, as Romans 8:28 says. It’s a liberating message.

If we’re going to get what we want from life, we have to master these two potent words, yes and no. “Every day we make choices,” Lysa says. “Then our choices make us.”

No pressure, right?

Of course we all feel that pressure on the front end and learn to make better decisions. Or, we inevitably feel it on the back end when we’re suffering from dumb decisions we’ve made. I’ll take the first of those two options every time.

These five points I’ve covered here only scratch the surface. Though the target market for The Best Yes is primarily women, we would all benefit from Lysa TerKeurst’s practical wisdom about making decisions.

How often do you struggle with using yes and no? 

WHY YOU SHOULD FLUSH 90% OF YOUR TO-DO LIST DOWN THE TOILET?

It’s easy to confuse abundance with blessing, especially in our work life. But sometimes abundance is just another word for burden. And it’s crucial for our success and satisfaction that we learn to spot the difference.

More opportunities cross my desk every day than I can manage, and I bet it’s the same for you, even if you don’t always realize it. We face a constant temptation in life to take on more than we can handle. We just don’t have the bandwidth. But it’s hard to let an opportunity go, isn’t it? 

Dismantling the "yes bomb"

Each invitation, pitch, and request feels special, seems flattering, and promises more money, fun, or significance than we currently have. It’s just too good to pass up, we rationalize - forgetting that we’ve already excused several other yeses using the very same logic. It’s even harder to reject demands from employers, clients, and others, even when we know we can’t manage them all.

We figure we’ll have to squeeze the new demand into the margin someplace, unaware that all our yeses are building a bomb that will eventually make casualties of our health, job performance, family life, and more. “There are far more activities and opportunities in the world than we have time and resources to invest in, and although many of them may be good, or even very good, the fact is that most are trivial and few are vital” says Greg McKeown in his new book Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less.

That’s the crucial difference between blessing and burden. We can fill our time with very good things and end up saddled, straddled, and stressed. That’s because good things might still be trivial. As McKeown shows, Essentialism is a lifestyle focused on discerning the difference between the “many trivial” and the “vital few.” Essentialists are committed to the vital few in every circumstance they can manage.

The benefits include not only lower stress, but the satisfaction of developing real excellence and making a vital contribution through our callings. McKeown numbers seven realities every essentialist knows:

1. The power of choice. When we forget we have the power of choice, we allow others to determine what fills our time instead of ourselves. Essentialists remain empowered by choice to determine what they do and don’t do with their time.

2. The momentum of focus. For every ten things Nonessentialists do, Essentialists do one. Instead of diffusing their energy, they focus it and gain momentum to make more impact than they otherwise could. When we complain about being “spread too thin” at work, this is a sure sign we need to shed tasks and train our focus.

3. The importance of tradeoffs. To do one thing is to miss out on others - and maybe even essential things. The more we commit to doing, the more strained our schedules for the the things that are truly important, including family, rest, and play. Essentialists weigh every opportunity against the potential tradeoffs.

4. The value of extreme criteria. Essentialists don’t consider the minimum requirements for a yes. They use extreme criteria: Is this exactly what I want? I’m I ideal for this opportunity? As McKeown says, “If it isn’t a clear yes, then it’s a clear no.”

5. The role of the journalist. The role of a journalist is not to regurgitate facts, but to explain the meaning of those facts. Essentialists act as journalists of their own experience. Instead of allowing others to determine what matters and why, Essentialists make that determination for themselves.

6. The power of clarity. According to McKeown, Essentialists pass on about 90 percent of opportunities. If we are clear on what we do, we can filter out a thousand things we shouldn’t. To gain this clarity requires asking hard questions, making difficult tradeoffs, and exercising self-discipline. And Essentialists know it’s totally worth investing in the 10 percent of opportunities that make sense for them.

7. The liberating possibility of no. Saying no to the many trivial requests, Essentialists are really saying yes to what matters most in their lives: their faith, their family, their health, their calling.

To be successful, satisfied, fulfilled people, according to McKeown, we need to save our energy and creativity for just a few essential opportunities and pass on all the rest. That will mean some hard choices, but we’re tricking ourselves to think burdening ourselves with superfluous yeses will make our life more comfortable. We’ll just shortchange the important activities and people in our lives.

What’s truly essential in your life right now and what extraneous activities do you need to limit today? 

EVERYBODY WANTS IT, BUT NOBODY SEEMS TO GET ANY

I know what you’re thinking, but I’m talking about margin - breathing room, think time, downtime, those moments we all desperately need really stay effective and enjoy the things that matter most.

But the truth is we seem to be getting less and less of it. Not only are prices racing while wages slow, but we’re working more hours, too.

We’re used to thinking “full time” work means forty hours a week. With that kind of commitment, we still have time for ourselves and families. But there has been a significant creep on our weekly work hours.

Nowadays the average Brazilian worker is clocking closer to 50 hours a week, according to a Gallup survey, and for some it’s even higher. A quarter of salaried workers put in more than 60 hours a week! And what about those of us who are entrepreneurs? It could feel good to cram the calendar or scary to clear it out, but either way we’re often drowning and in desperate need of margin.

I suffer from this as much as anyone. The reality it is that almost everything I know about time management I know from not having enough and learning from mistakes I’ve made in mismanaging that finite resource.

What I’ve learned is that the only way to gain more margin, is to create it - to actively make the space we need to breathe. With that in mind, here are three steps you can take for getting more margin starting today.

1- Intend your time. It’s impossible to understate the importance of this foundational step. Margin isn’t a matter of luck; it’s a matter of self-leadership. That means we have to determine that margin matters enough to us to change the way we work, or we won’t gain any.

Once we’ve made that determination, we have to believe that we have enough agency to actually accomplish what we’re setting out to do. We have to adopt the mindset of possibility when it comes to our time or we’re just spinning our wheels.

2- Spend your time. “Time is money” goes the old saying, and it’s true in more ways than one. The best trick I know for creating margin is blocking it out on your calendar. If you don’t commit your time, others will find more commitments for you.

One way to do this is to create an ideal week and let it determine your schedule. I show you how to do that here.

Whatever system you use, the important thing to remember is that a schedule is a filter. If you set it up well in advance, it’ll prevent most of the margin killers from getting through. It won’t be perfect, but without a plan, we’re goners when it comes to margin.

3- Defend your time. Once we decide to get intentional and budget our time, we have to defend the decisions we’ve made - and I’m talking like knights on the castle wall.

The filter is only a strong as our resolve. There will be outside requests - even things we personally want to do - that can ruin the margin we’ve created. No one will defend it but you. If you really value margin, you have to defend it. It’s a simple as that.

No one cares about your margin as much as you do. Getting more starts with self-leadership. We have to determine to create it and defend it.

Without that determination, the pressures of our work environment, fear about our finances, or the escapism of work will eat up the time we need for the things that matter most.

Think about it, and get some action, NOW!